So, this is a real letter that I actually sent to a friend of mine who isn’t that close, but circles my orbit and has no idea how attractive she is (but somehow instinctively seems to think I am not attractive enough to be with her). This friend was actually involved in a separate incident involving roller derby and an ex-girlfriend, as well as a tangential story from the same evening involving Tiffany and a near-accidental-menàge-a-trois with the wrong sister and her boyfriend. That story will most likely find its way onto one of my other blogs at some point in the not-too-distant future.
I’d like to thank Tiffany for posting this letter, as this is the perfect forum for it, and it’s kind of nice to not post everything directly to my own blog, which gets the same visitors everyday. Now that I am crossing over and invading Tiffany’s turf (and your eyeballs), maybe I will have captured you for good!
Open Letter To A Friend Who is Attractive
In what feels like something destined to make its rounds as a suburban tale of ridicule (based on my very awkwardness and perhaps little else), I just wanted to say that I admired your outfit tonight, and I’m sure that you had bigger intentions than to impress me. ha ha. I’m so retarded. Anyways, I was hoping to tell you to your face tonight that I thought you looked lovely, but I turned around and you were gone, so I figured instead of taking that as a sign to keep my mouth shut, I would just type a lot nervously, like Lloyd Dobler, but without the tall and the handsome part (although as of two days ago, my hair is now tall, which is kinda fun, but slightly disconcerting in an Eraserhead-type way), well, at least not handsome the way all the ladies seem to think John Cusack is. I mean, I have yet to hear a bunch of fine looking ladies talk about how hot that J-Ro guy is, but then again, I’m kinda deaf-ish.
Yeah, I hope you’re laughing a lot right now, because this might be one of the most ridiculous messages I’ve ever sent anyone. Oh, and I hope you weren’t off-put by my turning my head during the movie, I have this thing where I like to see how people react the first time they watch a film I really like. It’s random.
Have many other emails come with their own built-in sound of screeching tires and telephone-pole collisions?
I’m actually kind of impressed with the writing style, so I may just copy this and use it elsewhere sometime, of course without the part with your name in it.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Sorry.
Jon “Jake Elliott” Roren is a failing writer (it’s not over yet, still time to NOT fail) in his mid-thirties who lives with his parents since losing his job. He hopes to move to Austin, Texas and be a burden to a completely new set of people who didn’t give birth to him. He has several intermittently-updated blogs, which are all linked above.